Get to know me

Childhood

Diving right into things, I was abused for 15 years of my life. A family member for whatever reason began to molest me at age 3 and continued until I was 18. I know what many may think.. how could you allow it to go on for that long?! Well, I wish I could say I had ANY control. He took control of my life and traumatized me beyond words. But the reality is that the damage he did was nothing compared to what I put myself through as a punishment for thinking I allowed what he did to me. In high school is when I was the worst to myself. From self harm to being hospitalized for “severe depression.” I also isolated myself from people that were trying to help me. The moment everything changed was when I cut myself “too” deep and I couldn’t stop the bleeding. Watching the fear my sisters and mother were experiencing put a lot into perspective. I realized I couldn’t do this alone .

Therapy

After the deep cut , I went to the doctor and it was there that they recommended I see a psychiatrist and therapist. I was put on medication and diagnosed as bipolar. That same week I started therapy. At first I didn’t want to discuss the actual issue at hand, I’d simply talk about work and my relationship. Fast forward a year, my abuse began eating at me and it was then I told my therapist the whole truth. It was then I was told I had to tell my parents. My heart sank. How could I say something like this? Would they believe me? Would it hurt them? Everything seemed to run through my mind. I went home and immediately told my mom.

Aftermath

Once my mother found out, I immediately was asked to move out of the house for my protection. I went to live with an aunt. Soon after I met a girl who would later destroy me. I told her everything that was going on and our relationship took off. Things moved quickly and next thing I knew we were living together. 3 months into the relationship, I found messages between her and her ex. 6 months into it she physically abused me. 2 years into it she thought she was pregnant by someone she cheated on me with. To summarize it more quickly in the 3 years we were together she cheated on my multiple times and was mentally and physically abusive . Ultimately I kicked her out when she decided to have sex with someone in my own home in the next room while I was sleeping.

Happiness

After all I had experienced , I decided to throw a couple parties. Fresh out of a toxic relationship , I was simply trying to enjoy life. It was at my second party I met the girl who changed my life. The best way to describe meeting her was coming up for air after being under water for so long . There was an immediate connection. But the part of me that had been abused for most my life , didn’t believe I deserved her. So I sabotaged it. She forgave me and we continued our relationship. But within a couple months , tragedy happened.

Car Accident

On Nov 08 2013, tragedy hit. I was on my way to work when a truck struck me which led me to hit another truck and crash at the center median. I was left with chronic pain in my back, legs, arms. I had to endure a lot of procedures and ultimately needed surgery. During that time, my then girlfriend took the role of caretaker without any hesitation. She was at every single appointment for the first year, she was at my bedside every moment she could. She endured all the trouble I gave her as a result of my pain. But somehow along the way we stopped being the two people that fell in love in the first place. Our relationship didn’t survive  the aftermath of that horrible accident and everything that happened along the way. We held on for as long as we could and on January of this year called it quits.

Healing

January of this year I was forced to face everything I had suppressed for all these years. I began to deal with the sexual abuse I had pushed to the side because I was too afraid to deal with it. I began to dissect why I allowed the disrespect , the abuse in the past relationship. I also was able to discover why I ultimately sabotaged myself with the woman I planned to marry. I could probably write a book about my whole life but I’ve wanted to sort of summarize the key points. I am on a journey of self discovery and self love. Some days having great days and others forcing myself out of bed. So to anyone reading this, it does eventually get better! Please feel free to message me, tell me your stories and let’s help each other heal.